I'm feeling very alone tonight.

12:15am and I should be asleep

I don't know what triggered this feeling of despair tonight.

I must sleep

Corey took a screwdriver to school. The school's story is that he wanted to poke another student. I don't believe it. Corey knows what Screwdriver is for. I wonder if he was asked what do you want to take apart. I have a feeling that all the questions asked to him were leading questions and he said what he thought they wanted to hear so they would stop asking questions. He was suspended 1 day. Luckily it was dads day off and he got to spend some time with his dad. He needed that. I needed that.

What the hell is so hard about paying child support? Why does he think it's optional?

Well he gave me 1/3 of what he owes me in child support. Seems spending time in California is more important financially than paying what he owes his children. He spends practically no time with them. Or should I say he sleeps while his mom watches them.

feeling sorry for myself

While he is across the country visiting his "girlfriend" for the 3rd time since we seperated while I stay here and be the stable parent for the boys.

Dont know why I would think anything else would happen. 19 years of marriage, why would I think anything would be different in divorce. He gets to do what he wants and I make sure every one else is taken care of.

He has been gone since Wednesday. Tomorrow is 7 days and he hasnt even texted to see how the boys are... guess we know how important they are to him.

Of course, I would never say that to the boys. I wont bad mouth him to them.

adjusting

I'm coming into the new me. I know I will be ok.

He is supposed to have the boys 2 night a week but that is to much trouble as he brings them home Thursday nights (for school on Friday) and then has them less than 24 hours on Friday night.

I am ok. We are having fun, building memories, missing Katie.

I wish I would have had the guts to seperate years ago when it needed to be done. But then circumstances would have been different and I might not have met some of the people I know now and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I wish... well anyway if wishes were horses we'd all be riding. Wishes won't change anything so I need a plan.

Katie--- I hope she is having a wonderful time at school. She has always been so responsible I hope she remembers to be a kid some too.

Life sucks

18 years and he decides he doesnt love me..

He decided to tell me 5 days after my grandmother died. 3 months ago.

So he is moving out. He agreed to a July 1st deadline but he has stretched that to middle of July now.

Why move out when I cook, clean and do his laundry?

I dont hate him. I wish it were different.